Clash of Confusion

"Fate has a way of encircling a man."

I have had a most wonderful dream.
A dream so real, I could almost feel, taste and smell everything.

When I woke up from that dream, I was desperate to go back in again.
I pressed my head against the pillow as close as possible, trying get closer to that dreams once more.
I tried crying myself back to sleep.
I lived everyday in subconciousness.
I waited for bedtime everyday.

So imagine how I felt when I finally decide to wake up from that dream,a part of my dream materialised before me.

So solid.
I was trembling from head to toe.
It cannot be.

It is so unreal now.
Whatever happened was a dream.

Right?

I could almost hear Fate snigger in mockery.

It must be. Not---

Not after so much pains to delude myself; that it was just a dream.

Just a few hours ago, I thought I had made a mistake.
But with her appearance, Fate slammed the hard truth in my face and snubbed it in.

I have tried to avoid it, so why must Fate bring it back once more?

And as Fate watched on with glee, I took a chance upon this cross between the two worlds of reality and surreality once more.

I made a run for it.
And fell deeper into another of Fate's trap , yet again.
I made a struggle.
If my dream isn't unreal, then---

I can finally live happily once more.
Like how I've always wanted.

I could almost see the wooden door.
Yes, that door to all that wonders.

I almost felt the doorknob in my hands.
I could almost smell that sweet air beyond it.

So close.

The door vanished.
Faded in a wisp at my fingertips.

And Fate laughed maniacally.
It was once again another test.

So much resolutions said to put it to rest.
Fate dug it up to tempt me once more.

Good one, Fate. You have pulled on a great one on me this time.

Scars

As usual, I had music pumping in my ears.
But today, I was moving along the vibe of my surroundings.
I spied a good looking guy shaking his legs on the bench and conspicuously sat beside him.
A coy smile curled around my lips.
For even all he did was to move over to give me more seat, I had accomplished my mischievous deeds.

For once, the plastic chair felt solid beneath me.
My feet were tapping along the rhythm of the train speeding along its tracks.

Unburdened.
Moving with ease.
Barely thinking.
Breathing for my own.

The warmth from the sunlight trapped within my cardigan.
The wetness of the water drops that fell from the aircon onto my jeans.

The train sped on into the underground.
There was the momentary moment, where sunlight seemed to lose it reach.
Neon lights took over.
Suddenly, I heard him whisper.
"This train ride is freaking long, it's going to take a while."

The water drops on my jeans evaporated.
The rhythm of train begun to sound like yesterday.
The warmth in my cardigan felt like those in his oversized jacket.

I was barely feeling anything, I was just watching.
Flashbacks running in my empty mind like reeling films.

"Changi Airport."

I stood up.
I slipped back into myself.
The music fade back into my ears.
My feet started to feel the solid ground.

The cool tiles against my tattered shoes were once my most feared terrain.
Now my eyes no longer search for him in the crowds that passed me by.
My mind stayed focus on what was going on.
My heart pumped life in my veins and not with anxiety.
And I was truely happy with the people I have around me.

He has got new plans and I'm not on his list.
I have got new plans and he's not on my list.
He had changed, changed his mind.
And I have learnt his ways.
He still breathes in the air that I breathe, but I could never reach him again.
I will still meet him someday, but he can't move me agian.
He will still look the same, but somehow he's not the person I once knew.
And so will I.

Some wounds do leave scars.
And everytime the train goes through the tunnel beneath the earth, I will be haunted by that memory so beautiful and rare in my life.
But it doesn't matter.

Scars may be unpleasant,
but at least they no longer hurt.
------------------------------------

Finally something I hope everyone understands.

101 Ways to Love: #1

"He had sewn himself in my heart."

Got this image in my mind when I was ranting about wanting a bunny doll.
(Thoughly annoyed the person beside me, hehe.)
Said, "You can't get this anywhere, you got to stitch it up yourself."
Would you?

Rest In Peace

この時代　思いどおりの
希望なんて持てない

"This era, just as I thought, does not yield anything something like hope."
---

9 lives.
3 down.
Leaving it all behind.

At the end of my life, I went back to visit my Wonderland again.
The amusement park lay in ruins now.
All the rides stayed stationary under many layers of dust.

I sat on the merry-go-round and hugged my favourite wooden horse for a while.
In chill of wind, I could only hear the rustling of the leaves.
It used to feel so warm, when my playmates joined in the fun.
The horses would go up and down, with joyous music playing in our ears.

I remembered coming here for Christmas.
The feeling was bizzare but beautiful.

Hope was bubbling subtilely within.

I tasted candyfloss.
But ended crying when it fell onto the floor.
But I had my playmate to comfort me.

What a piece of memory.
But all the same precious to me.

In this deserted ruin, my playmates aren't here anymore.
For the last moment, I saw their reflection in the shattered mirror of the deserted horror house.
A mere image, but I smiled at them.
And one of them returned the smile.
Only a ghost of the cheeky grin that we had on our faces.

But that was enough.

Tears flowed as the giant iron gates closed behind me.
My path was chosen for me.
Now I can never return.
I dared to turn around for one last fleeting look.
And gasped.

I saw myself behind those locked iron gates.
Sprawled on the ground, all battered.

I wanted to take a step back closer to take a look.
But there was a burst of light that halted me in my steps.
The amusement park was bursting with life once more.
My favourite horse was bobbing up and down again.

Suddenly there were laughter.
And my playmates came running towards my lifeless self and pulled me up to my feet.
I took a bite out of one of their candyfloss and before I knew it, I was up and running again.

I watched on as an awkward smile spread across my face.
I have yet to figure out what's going out.

But my doubts were soon cleared, when I pointed up and waved goodbye, as I scooted off with my playmates to the merry-go-round.

As their figures faded into the distance, I glanced up to see a new sign had replaced the old one that said Wonderland.

I chuckled softly as I begun to take my leave, filling with content.

For I may have died, but at least I know the ghost of me lives happily within the amusement park that is now my Memories.

"I had hopes in you.
And I always did."

Completing the Origami

"Fold.
Unfold.
Fold.
According to the lines.
A closure to create a beautiful origami."

---

It came to a point, at one part of the journey, where I was surrounded by a fog of swirling mist.
Groping my way blindly seeking for a way out, I asked my heart for an answer.

It told me a story of a young Shogun.

Chains of blood ties and love.
The Shogun, as high and mighty as he was, was ridden down by heavy chains of an oppressive mother and a bed-ridden wife.

His mother had hopes of her son to magnify the glory of their family name.
Because of this, she had disapproved of his sickly wife.
So sickly was she, she was almost burden to someone with important duties such as him.

But it was all due to be soon though.
And once its over, she would ensure the mistake is not committed once more.
And the mother made a firm tug at the metal chain.

Silk strings in the wind.
The Shogun also had many concubines.
Amongst all ravishing beauties, one had caught his eye.
In the dead of the night nearing to dawn, something brushed against his face.
A single thread of silk was flying in wind.
A shiny silver thread of silk.
It pulled him towards her.

But just then there was a clank of rusty metal.
There was a forceful tug and he broke from his stationary stance and staggered towards the other end of the chain.
It was a desperate call from his beloved wife.

There was no time to find out more about his new encounter now.

But perhaps there's some time later?

With that hope in mind, he held onto one end of the string.

Spinning thread balls shone with a glimpse of light.
As the string tugged along, the ball of thread spun, rebounding the golden sunlight from the first of dawn.
The concubine watched the spinning ball of thread with delight.
It looks so magical, like a golden globe spinning within her sewing basket.

Suddenly there was a snap.
The spinning sphere halted and stayed motionless.
The ball of thread lost its glow.

The concubine anxiously retrieved the broken end of the string.
She was so sure that she saw the Shogun tugging at the string.
But as the other end came slipping back towards her, her heart skipped a beat.
Like the momentarily glow, what seemed to be an imaginary silhouette of the Shogun disappeared in the midst of falling petals of the Sakura tree.

The concubine can only wonder what was on the other end.

Weaning chains of love are strong threads of attraction.
On the other end of the string, the sickly wife of the Shogun whispered her goodbyes.
She would rather be with the sun, and be a free spirit floating in the depths of the sea.

The Shogun cannot comprehend the pain he felt.
His beloved was slipping away, and the chain stretch further than ever.

The chain started to waste away into nothing more than a fine thread.

But the bite of the thread into his flesh hurt more than a million whips of the heaviest iron chains.
The pain shot through his wrist and ebbed into his pumping heart.
He released the string leading to his discovery and tugged at the thread that was almost severing his right hand off his arm.

As he struggled from grip of the thread; the chain on his left wrist began to shake violently.

The helpless man shut his eyes just as the silver string slipped out of his sight.

Now suspended between the tugs of both chain and thread, there was no more love he could offer to that concubine with the string.

Hyourin of Yume.
Beside the pillow of the now devastated concubine, lies a hand-sewn rabbit doll.
It carries the promise of sweet dreams which laid abundance on the moon.
The moon is so high it could reach where all the dreams go.
Only rabbits with their hindlegs can jump so high to reach the moon.

Will her dear rabbit bring her sweet dreams tonight?

Her stomach was rumbling as she buried her face in her tear-soaked jasmine pillow.
Nothing, but the sweetest cakes can quench her hunger.
Should the Shogun send her a half eaten cake from his supper spread...

A chill ran down her spine, wavering her belief.
Would be she be dreaming forever?
She suddenly felt cold, as though she was stripped naked and thrown out there into the darkness.
Should the Shogun send her his travelling cloak...

The concubine laid there on her bed.
Trying to figure out before sleep creep up quietly upon her.

With that, the story came to an end.

Standing alone in the chilling wind, I'm not exactly brave.
But I will stay stationary and wait.
For I know all would be calm when I feel the softness of the cotton bunny against my heart.

---
A story retold, in japanese style.
Hope you like it.

Valentine's Lesson

I feel it's pointless to say anymore.
I have pleaded and ranted.
It really, doesn't matter, if nothing ever happens.

I'm cured.
I tell things to people selectively now.
At this stage I'm putting myself together.
However hard the pain ebbed in my heart, I can't break down now.
I'm suspended in this hollow cell.
Hearing my heartbeat that goes,
Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab.

Now when it becomes part of you, hurt means nothing to you anymore.
How I'm I loving it, bringing pain upon myself.
Haha.
All that hope that I put in, it seems nothing more than dust in the wind now.

Such an escapade so addictive, I could hardly contain myself.
I've asked for something little.
So little, it was barely even a scratch on the surface of this whole profound feeling.
But it seems that Fate couldn't even spare a morsel.

Living life in such suffering like me is like eating liqueur chocolates.

Peeling off the wrapper gingerly, what one would anticipate is the sweetness of milk chocolate and the fiery burn of the whiskey within.

Then one would receive Warmth.
Warmth, from those embrace.
And of course, the sweetness.
It brings forth Joy.
Joy, that is so snugly blended with those warm embrace.

But it so happened, that in my case, the liqueur spilled.
What was to be a pleasure experience turned out to be a sticky mess.

I ate what sheer luck had given, only the chocolate.

I'd tasted sweetness.
But I've got no warmth.
The chocolate is empty without the warmth.
And what lingered on my tongue was now sickening sweetness.

The very same thing that brought forth Joy, brought forth Wrath within my soul.
It's funny how some people choose to hate the thing they could never get.

Even I wanted to, as well.

I could have scrawled a piece of IOU and shove in his face.
Demand payment for every disappointment I received.
That would be sprawling onto the ground to lick up the spilled spirit off the floor.

It's selfish.
To ask someone to pay up a debt he had never really owed.
Everyone, in consolation or in view from their analysis, condemned him.
But I feel that it's my fault.
Blame me instead.

Oh no, I'm not trying to be noble around here.
At the very least, at the very end of my crazy antics, let me do something sane.
I'm disgusted with myself.
This is a filthy crime.

I have made more out of a mere ordinary stranger that just passed my life.
And I've smeared his name.
Please don't ever let him know about this.

All his irritation to my pestering can never be compared to the humiliation he would face.
There were pleasant memories.
So please, let memories be what that make the most of me.

In daily life, I avoid making promises.
I knew I don't have a will to fulfil them.
I had only ever let myself down.
On this issue, it's too many times.

I never know whether I can resist the temptation to gamble for little sweet treats again.
I don't know whether as I lay on the bed at night, will I not let my mind drift into rendevous fantasies once more.

I won't and can't promise anymore.

As for now, unlike this unexisting solace I'm have been long seeking for, I have lots more liqueur chocolates lying my fridge.

With careful handling, I managed to keep these chocolates intact.
And from these chocolates, I felt just that bit of the little I've asked for.

The Warmth from the whiskey.
It was almost as if I'm in an embrace.

Hi, My Valentine.

It's the eve of valentine's day!!!
Still, another year alone. T-T
Who's the bastard who said being sixteen is sweet?
Gah.

Anywhos, I'm happy today.
Really happy today.
Not telling you why. xP
Maybe it's because I brought a new t-shirt xD
Really great for valentine's day tho.

But I've got a date tomorrow.
Who?
But my beloved Mr. Work?

I will see my supervisor tomorrow.
She is obviously NOT a hunk.
And and~
Since I'm working in a chocolate shop, it will prolly be flooded with loving couple too.
Yay!
Not x(

Can the sweetness chocolate kill the bitterness in a lonely sixteen year old heart?
Pardon the bimboness, haha.

At least my treatment ends tomorrow.
Salvation at last.
I hope.

You're Bad Luck!!!

Hahaha!
I fell.
Was hit by a bout of gastric ache.
Then leaden down with heaviness that flowed within my veins.
I still couldn't shake off my bad habit.
My knees hurt as I hobbled home.
But the pain isn't enough to keep me in reality.

Every part of me is struggling to get out of this.
I'm trying really hard.
Why can't you just materialize for a moment and get me out of this?

Like Wormie did for me.
And I promise you, like I promised Wormie, I will definitely get over it.
Then I will leave you alone.

I was too desperate to find this certain someone.
I'm sorry I have to stir everyone in.
I know everyone can't be like you, Wormie.
I guess I have yet to repent.

But you see, at least Wormie got me off his back.
I need you to do the same.

And Wormie.
I don't know why I can't tell you this straight in the face, but I'm really happy that you moved on.
Perhaps because I don't want to leaden you with my problems anymore.
Not when you're a person in a brand new life.

Of course, I will get my new life like Wormie soon.
Wormie got it early.
Just as Ashraf said it hasn't started for me, yet.

You know, perhaps this life that I'm living in now is no longer the one I used to have.
You started it for me.
And you have ended it too.
I guess you didn't make a clean cut, that's why I'm still stuck here.
That what made you special.
You're the key to the entrance and way to the exit.


The funny thing is I guess you would never know that I have invested so much hope in you.
If you ever found out, I guess you might be in quite a shock.
It took me quite a while to figured out why I did.
I guess it takes as long as that to digest this thing.

If I ever look back from the future, I might be dying of humiliation.
I'm sorry, Jinnie.
Guess it's a growing phase for someone as abnormal as you.
Haha.
But the important thing is that you will never let yourself into such a mess again.
Twice beaten, thrice shy.

I'm confused now.
I dunno what to expect.
What to expect four days later, that is.

Comfort Food

Second day of the withdrawal process.
I think it's going well.
Slow.
But steady.
I didn't mentioned that noun at all.
It's now about picking up the survival skills for a whole new terrain.

117 hours 30 mins to the end of treatment.
117 hours 30 mins to the slam of hard reality on my face.
117 hours 30 mins to a brand new me.
117 hours 30 mins to finally putting down another load behind.
117 hours 30 mins to the shattering of all those hope and dreams.

Shut Up.
Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up.
Shut Up is the key.
All it takes for the better.
Shut Up.
So I won't be hurt anymore.

I have lots of cookie.
For every bitterness in my guts, I will eat one.
Till I have completely moved on.
Like what the caterpillar did; without me.

Five more days left.

In The Midst of Celebration

Happy Chinese New Year!
Currently blogging from a relative's.
Not very nice to have people reading this entire thing aloud tho.
Won't say much.

Put on lots of weight x(
Everyone agreed.
I'm officially F.A.T

Read a dozen of horoscope books.
All said I should seriously pursue other interest
rather than desperately trying to realise this dream that is impossible.
There's still hope
but I should really give it up.
It's all for the better xD
Or else I wouldn't bring it up on such a joyous day right?

But just one question:
should you see those visualization in my head, how would you feel?
Guess I would never know.
I don't want to know either.

See you around.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again.
I need time to get it out of my head.
Give me exactly seven days.

A Novella.

"Hey love.
I can't see your face clearly anymore.
For a while I was so sure you looked like that.
Now you are nothing more than a silhouette in a distance.

"For a while you felt so solid.
You were the door to the life I've always wanted.
You let me in, showed me the wonders of the land beyond where I stood.

"The satisfaction had yet to sink in.
But at the very next moment,I was locked out.
And you weren't there anymore.

"Days later, I found you again.
But you were just a dead piece of log.
Where was the door to the many wonders?

"I clung onto what's left of you--
The hollow carcass.
I begged with all my might.
Every fibre of me was yearning for just one more day of that ultimate sweetness."

***

I had a goal.
But I have lost it.
What's left in the void of my head was this constant buzzing:
"Does he really exist?"
It was almost like a dream.

I went through the similar cycle before.
It's back.
But this time in a different form.
This time it was a butterfly.
Which flitted into my life then went away.

I had once placed my hopes on a caterpillar then, but it refused to change in its cocoon.
Retrieving my hopes back, piece by piece, I thought I could take flight with this butterfly.

It ripped off a part of me instead.
And join its female mate by the side.

At once, I knew my value of being a slimy toad on the lilly pad.
Croaking with sorrow, I ogled at the loving couple with my bulging eyes.
I could just slip my tongue out and pull it back to me.

But it would be ripped into shreds between my teeth.
Then it would finally belong to me.

No.
Not entirely.
Never would it be.
For its heart that stopped beating will still yearn for her.
Even when the then-widowed beauty is joined by another handsome suitor.

But it wouldn't live to feel the heartbreak.
Perhaps at the last fatal crunch of teeth, it could have felt a little grattitude towards me.
And give me some love.

But all that never happened--- now it's fluttering away.

Another butterfly spied the female from behind some petals.
I knew it saw.
And both of us know what forebodes ahead.
Hurt will shot through its heart like an arrow.

Maybe it will take refuge by my side.
It had the choice.

But perhaps it didn't considered that at all.
Maybe for a fleeting moment it did.
With tears blinding my eyes, I couldn't really see.

It might had just spun its head around to take one last look of me.

P.S. Wrote this in a total state of confusion.
Even I don't know what I was trying to say. Haha xP
Thus the title. (Fictional, see?)
Cause some parts are written in delusion.