Jester and Knight

Walking towards a dead-end from the starting.
Speaking to your lips that are as unmoving as the dead's.

Crushed from within, a void turned black hole.
Cold without love, a gaze turned blind eye.

Fucked upside down on a rollercoaster which was going the wrong way round.
Screamed your lungs inside out which sounded more like laughter.

I love you like how a housefly love a carcass.
Indiscriminately and utterly drawn to your shit.

Stuck between two walls, a lover and hope for the better.
Torn between two choices, to weep or to seek for morsels of your love.

An endless void which I galdly jumped into.
A recurring nightmare which I yearned to dream.

Shrieked like a banshee on heroin.
Cried like a widow in hysterics.

False hope upon sucky mindset upon false hope.
Pride crushed under rejection upon rejection.

Ripped from reality he dreamt pretty pictures.
Back in reality, she realized that he was just a collage of the hideous truth.

Distracted from the world life was a mess
she was the life of him
and he was nothing in her life.

She longed to be his wife
but the very arms she wanted to hold her
pushed her back into the jaws of her life.

He is the king
and she, the jester in his court.
His ego grows upon her humiliation,
laughing at her with his queen at his knees.
So close to his heart,
a place she can never reach.

As he turned to leave he regrets his decision,
fatigue and laden weight held his heart down,
how he wished he could stay
but the more he stayed
the more he moped
and the more he moped
the more he couldn't find out,
distractions all round,
he was overwhelmed.

Sorry was all he could mouth,
in reluctance he turns to leave,
a flick of his hand,
a feeble attempt at a wave,
life would become simpler...yes it would

The jester laughed through her tears
as she groped for the balls that were rolling away
sprawled on all fours
at the feet of the defeated knight.
She was more beastly than a dog.

He walked away,
his helmet clattering in the wake of his iron footsteps.
The night grows colder
as tears froze on their faces,
the two losers in love
each parted their ways to find solace
in the darkness they see
without their love.

Scherazade's Story: The End

Wooden puppet.
Woollen heart.

Unmoving,
like a puppeteer's unloving heart.

She never thought
she could see him again.

A birthday present that
arrived two days late.

Doesn't matter that
it lacks the two verbal
"Happy Birthday."

Her best gift was
to see his face again.

The puppeteer
has finally made his break,
and asked the puppet
to witness the splendor
of his success.

Happiness set her
heart aflutter.

Twenty days
before it marks a year
since the day she
gave him her heart.

Marks the day
the world truely sees
the hidden hero that
only she had seen.

With this zealous bubble
bursting inside of her,
the puppet danced harder
than she ever would.

Because there he was,
before her sight again.

She tried to express
her longing through
a fleeting glance.

Lament her anguish
through a tender whisper.

But her puppeteer
sees nothing but
a fiery glare from
beneath her long locks.

The angst that built
with her growing desperation.

She needed him,
needed him close.

They were barely
an arm length apart.

But the puppeteer,
like her,
no longer have a heart.

She had shorn off
her hair the way he likes it.

Yet the imploring eyes
of the puppeteer seek
anxiously for someone
that was not her.

Raised upon the stage,
he stood tall and mighty
above the crowd.

But the puppet
could no longer see him
as she turned her back
towards him.

She had came to
believe that
he would never love her.

The puppet started to
push through the crowd.

The spell that
granted her mobility
without her strings
begun to slip away.

Her skin felt cold
against the sweaty arms
of the audience
as her limbs harden into lumber.

Her sprint started
to weigh down to
a stagger.

Her cries were
muffled into a whimper.

Her heart shuddered
as the last flame
of passion flickered
in a dying stance.

The puppeteer
strike a chord
on the piano.

But her deaf ears
could no longer hear
his tune.

She clattered lifelessly
onto a passing cart
and was wheeled further
away from him.

Her last tears
glistened and hardened
her eyes into glass.

Twenty days
before it marks a year
since the day she
gave him her heart.

Marks the day
the world sees
the last of her love
that only the
puppeteer had not seen.

Lumber limbs.
Glazing glass.

Unseeing,
like a puppet's loving heart.

Scheherazade's Story: The Puppet

With the dance of his fingers,
the puppeteer sway the puppet
to the tune of the melody.

On stage,
the puppet's strings were invisible.

Under the spotlight,
she appeared to be alone.

Watching her repetoire of
sorrows, love and longing,
the audience cried at her pain,
scowled at her overdramatic antics
and smiled at her contentment.

But they saw nothing
of her happiness she basked in.

The hidden smile of her puppeteer
from the dark shadows of the wings.

The closeness of their duet,
him leading her with
firm but ever so gentle tugs at her strings.

He gave her life.
And the ability to dance,
making her the girl that many men swooned after.

He was her god.
The giant that controlled her universe.
She worshipped him.
Feared him and cared for him.

Nevermind that
they were always far apart,
they were always connected by strings.

Always,
but not forever.

"Find happiness without me."

The puppeteer snipped off her strings,
and sewn her heart back.

She can now do her own dance,
one that tells of how
it's like of being loved.

But she doesn't know
of any other dance.

Who is she without him?

If there's a dance of being loved,
she needed him to teach her,
show her how it's done.

He never did.
Neither did he fulfill
all the empty promises he made.

Without him,
she will leave her strings
trailing into the empty wings,
pretending that he is
at the other end.

Then smile and giggle geefully
at the imaginary life
the puppeteer painted
with his lies.

She merely doing what she does best---
loving him.

And perform that duet that
now speaks of her love,
alone.

---------------------------------------------------------

Christmas is due to be here soon,
a year should be enough.

Scheherazade's Silence

After a thousand and one nights,
telling her stories
had become a habit.

Tugging at the curls that now
flow to her heaving chest,
it seemed to her
that nothing had changed.

She stared intently at the
ivory flake that
swiveled in suspension,
and sank to the bottom of
the snowglobe.

She would then
pick up the globe
and turn it upside down,
again and again.

Ogling hungrily at
that particular snowflake
doing its routine continously.

Every now and then,
much to Scheherazade's delight,
the snowflake would do
an extra flip in
its usual somersault.

It was her action hero.

She couldn't help
but swoon.

Crushing her smile
against the glass orb,
her intense urge to kiss
smothered all the resistance.

She could almost feel
his lips.

Sheherazade paced
silently through the
palace's lit corridors.

Her passion
was made a secret,
pressed against her heart
like a precious ruby
she would die to keep.

The jewel was hers
and hers alone.

To lament about.

To engulf herself
in pleasurable pain.

In every darkness,
even beneath her eyelids,
she would see his face.

In every silence,
after inhaling each breath,
she would murmur his name.

In a thousand and one nights,
he had many names.
But only one
stayed true in her heart.

She would repeat his story,
to satisfy the king's hunger
for her surreal tales.

The murderous schizophrenic
would lick her words
off her lips like honey,
and keep her alive.

Time made it
an obligation to
reminisce his warmth.

It is as inevitable as
the snowflake's finishing act of
falling to the bottom
at the end of
its rendition.

Scheherazade would awaken as
the queen once again,
to find reality cold
without the warmth
of his hand.

The Last Secret

---------------
繕った
隙間に刺さる
記憶－たち
---------------
She is safe.

The River of Past
is cleansed of
its filth.

The Present
embraced as sunlight,
carassed as breeze,
and healed as rain.

The girl sprawled
across the grass,
wearing only
her bare skin.

Her bloodied
ivory flock was
carelessly strewn upon
her heap of
diassembled armour.

Her fingers
traced the scar
that snaked from
below her navel to
her left bosom.

They touched her lips,
that lingered with
the farewell kiss
from her Fantasy.

She had closed her eyes,
but she is not
in a slumber.

Her senses were
wary of the
eyes that watched
her from the overgrowth.

A war was fought.
But there'll never be peace.

The Dark Army
will find her.

And Evil will prevail
in many other forms.

The child must grow.
But Time is running out.

Words at His Grave

I never thought I would laugh so hard.

And till now when I think of it,
a grin can't help but twist on my lips.

Something still don't change.
A curse is a curse.

When I declare that I'm moving on,
you will pop back into my life
and make me hesistate.

But not this time.

There's no more sorrows.
But I just want to tell you
how long I have dreamt of this day.

You coming to me,
instead of me casting out the net.

Although it seemed
that I had kind of ruined
the perfect revenge plan.

Like a child who
had finally caught a butterfly.
Whom in the urge to
touch its wings,
accidentally let it
fly away.

You made me the fool
once again,
you rascal.

I should had put more thoughts into it.

It's undeniably foolish.
So much pain
that snowballed because of you,
yet such little things you do
make my day.

Still, I have been
dreaming about you
the past few days.
Brother said something yesterday
that reminded me of you.

The subconcious mind still
echoes the impact of our melodrama.

Many things had happened
since I've met you.
But I have braved it through.

Wish me luck
for my future endeavours.

Take good care of yourself.

For god knows when
I will (never) be back here again.

"Isn't this what we always say, Brother?"

Edit: There's some changes. Fear is a good teacher. Happy Holidays xD

The Revelation

Humming a hymn,
the girl sat in the room
huddling her knees,
rocking back and forth.

She is scared.
There's a restless buzzing in the shadows.

Her heart pumped against her rib cage.
So close to the stuffed bunny
pressed against her chest.

The bunny with rip in its heart.

The girl hummed loudier right now.
She rocked back and forth more furiously.

Her face was wet with sweat.
She sunk her teeth into her bottom lips.

There was an excruciating pain on her chest,
where the stuffed bunny is.

Her tune came into a halt,
when she could take it no longer.

The girl toppled over,
her right cheek pressing
against the marble floor.

With widen eyes,
she gasped in horror
at the pool of blood
spreading across the white marble.

The white linen of the doll
had been soaked crimson.

Her chest has split apart,
and she could see her heart beating furiously.

The buzzing from the dark
now become an excited murmur.

She seized in a ball
as her flesh continue to tear apart
all the way to her stomach.

Her jaws snapped open
in a silent scream,
as her entrails
plopped onto the ground
with squeamish squish.

The murmur rose to mutter
then a roaring of chatter.
Her vision blurred---
she couldn't see the footsteps
she heard thundering towards her.

They were people.
Each holding a vessel
that held parts of her secrets and dreams.

At this juncture,
they were crowding around her.
Pointing towards her direction,
deep in discussion.

Her eyeballs rolled in their sockets
as the girl scanned the surrounding for aid.

She laid eyes at her blood stained doll.

So thoughly drenched in blood was it,
even wool within was dripping with it.

The doll seemed to be sniggering.
"Now you are just like me."

Darkness swirled before her eyes,
and the girl finally know the truth
behind her fate.

Foes for Friends

There the knight stood,
with the remnant of her armour clinging onto her.

A glorious warrior was she,
now reduced to a disheveled and helpless prey
to Death's slaughter.

Gripping her rifle
that is stained with blood,
she's now no different from the lowly footmen
whose bodies now strewn across the field.

She sneered at her foolishness
as her knees buckled
under the pain of her gaping wounds.

Benovolence had been dispensable.

The weight of her fully loaded weapon
crushed her ego
like a mocking laughter.

Ripping off the metal plates
that clung onto to her,
she willed herself to get back to her feet.

With gritted teeth,
she rose up
and took a aim.

She did not hesistate.
Vengence was in her veins.

She strode towards the battlefield
and stuck a gunpoint at their heads.

Who cares if the rifle is a long range weapon?
Nothing beats a close look
at their cowardly face of defeat.

The warm blood that splashed
on her face
cleansed the murk of her past defeat.

But back in reality,
the fallen warrior is still sprawled
on the ground.

She felt the chill of Death at her temple,
as the enemy cornered her
with a gunpoint on her head.

"Do you have a death wish?"
the Dark Knight asked his hostage.

A bitter smile twisted across her lips.

She might as well end it gloriously.
She closed her eyes.

The gun lifted from her head
as the cold grip of the iron gloved hand
seized around her wrist
and brought her to her knees.

Her eyes fluttered opened in surprise
as Dark Knight made his proposal.

"What would you say if we have a merger?"

His meanacing grin
could hardly be concealed behind his helmet,
as his deathly gaze
burned into her dilated pupils.

The wind howled,
mourning the death of her fallen troops.

But no tears were shed.
The sole survivor lowered her head onto the floor,
in a subdued bow
to her new master.

The victorious roar from the Dark Troops
hardened her heart
as she slumped feebly across the enemy's horseback.

There will be time
for revenge.

Right now,
they are allies.

But only for now.

In the Midst of Work

work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Finally, a time to blog, to breathe. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work People could tell I'm going insane.work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work So what's my problem? work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work My emotional baggage. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work I can't get rid of it. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Neither can I replace it.work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work I'm screwing work. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work workwork work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work workJust like how its screwing me. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Someone help me. work workwork work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Get rid of this emotional baggage. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Or stop work from screwing me. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work No one suffers as much bad luck as I do. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Give me a break. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work I know I can do this. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work So just stop taunting me, Fate. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work The more you do when I say. work work work work work work work work work work work work work work Let's us move on, shall we? 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His Epitaph

If I ever see him again,
I will do everything to say
"I'm sorry".

Nevermind "I Love You,"
cause he doesn't love me.

If he ever needs to know,
my tears will show
how much I love him.

Too numbed by missing him,
I didn't see him passing on.

Instead my heart beat for his murderer,
whom destroyed everything I have of him.

But I hate him.
I hate him for changing.
Yes, he killed himself.
I love him.
But he's not the one I love anymore.
The person who had so much love for her.

But I doubt I will ever get the chance.
So right here I shall I tell him:

I'm still sorry for loving you.
I know I'm not worthy.
That's why I can't mention your name
even with your death.

I'm sorry I'm so persistent,
that I refused to believe that
you weren't the same anymore.

You were like a beautiful candle flame,
that spread into a hideous wild fire.

Fate's Taunting Game

The sky was overcast
with the gloom of a foreboding rain.

There's a slight grief
that brushed against my heart.

And before I could hear raindrops platter
there were tears flowing from my eyes.

What's wrong?

Nothing's of matter.

Actually,
It is the fact
that there's nothing that matters.

I don't want to blog anymore.
I am sick of repeating it.

My sorrows.

Unable to attain something more.
Stuck here in this bottle.
Living life in this monotonous cycle.

I love what I now own,
but my heart yearn for something more.
It is like having three meals daily,
but all without dessert.
Surely it's not too much
to ask for an occasional treat?

Once I thought
what I wished for is unattainable.
But every wish I make
it was granted to people all around but me.

While I wept alone,
I thought of the girl who ran from us
to cry in solace.

It must be pretty nice to be his damsel in distress.
But wasn't I the one who made the wish?

The One Above Fate decreed
that I should be contented with what I have.
But what do I do when Fate
being a bully
snatches things out of my hands?

Things that I gasped in my hand
vanished without a trace.

And I was just there
when nothing happened.
The next moment,
someone retraced my steps
and got all I wished for.

I don't yearn anymore.
I don't hope anymore.
I'm too scared to dream anymore.

One fantasy is lethal.

For the next second when it happens
in reality,
the girl won't be me.
Too much.
I can't take it anymore.

It's Fate's taunting game.
One that it refuses to stop.
Take things away from me.
Give it to others.
Rub it on my face.

There's no need for answers
or solution.
For the One Above Fate has decreed
that my future will stay bleak as ever.

Before I destroyed Her messenger,
before She refuses to say anymore.

I don't dare to think about you,
my imaginary love.

For I fear the next time
when I finally found you
your heart had been given away.

Love is not all that I wished for.
I wish for my best in everything.
To be a better person,
for you,
for me,
for everyone else who loves me.

Once I was stronger,
I didn't need you.
But that was when life
proved everything that I was worth.

Please, stop this game.

As I lumbered along the road,
I let out a whimper,
a whisper of the screaming in my heart.

Imaginary Life

A commitment is a constrain.
it weigh you down like an iron chain.

Another shackle clasped on my feet,
another step slower than you,
my sweet.

An awkward venture
to a grey area that does not fit.
Along my path to you,
stood lamp posts that were not lit.

Groping in the midst of the murky mist,
their and our mindsets do not fit.

When can I accomplish this impossible feat?
After all this search,
would we eventually meet?

----------------------------------------------

I long for the day
when I need not speak in jargon.

There's no need for change
when the jargon itself
becomes a jargon no more.

Then we can take a nap on the bus,
and have a fluffy after that.

Life is boring,
so hasten up.

And save me from this fire
that I dared to play with.

Dispensing With the Jargon

Thus, here's a little more conundrum:
(It's self contradictory, but I couldn't resist xP)

The tears I shed,
were not only for the broken string of beads,
but also the pain that was inflicted,
upon the torn soul that the phantom left for me.

The torn soul
that was marred with scars
long before he came.

Wounds upon wounds
upon wounds.
Hopes after hopes
after hopes,
for wounds caused by hopes to heal.

P.S. Pardon my grammatical errors. >.<

A Good Thing In Life

"Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife."
-------

A poem on onions and love.
An epitome of how understated true love is.
It's not my work.
But it's the few of the good things left in life
that I can appreciate.

My heart now anticipates like many times before.

Who would have the eyes for such a miserable creature like me?

If you really come for me,
would you take my heart that's marred with scars?

A figure neither beautiful,
nor a voice that rings like bells in the wind.

Why would you kiss a mouth,
that's as foul as death pit?

What would make you tenderly soothe your fingers through my hair,
What would spur you to grab my hand and hold me close?

If you really come for me,
would you write poems of my sorrows,
pledges of care for me?

A soul that's neither contented,
nor a spirit that soars to the sky.

Why would you whisper verbal endearments into a ear,
that's deafened by the long silence in her mind?

What would make you play the piano,
What would make you sing our duet?

If you really come for me,
would you stay beside my casket to weep for me?

Love for My Phantom

Can't you see,
my love?

I have always braved the shadows
to look for you.

I know you longed for light,
so I have always brought you
glows of hope.

But my beloved,
while I quench your thirst for light,
do you quench mine for your love?

I am the bearer of light to your life,
but darling,
you care only the light I brought forth.

Many a times I was told to leave you alone,
to mellow in angst,
and die of despair.

But everytime I walked pass a shadow,
it pains me that you're suffering inside.

My dear phantom,
even the angel dims in comparison to you.
A perfect being such as He,
doesn't lovingly bathes me in anguish
like you do.

Oh,
my dear phantom,
perhaps it's time
to stick a dagger in your heart.

With the hurt you'll feel
that lasts only for a second,
perhaps it will stop
the hurt I feel because of you.

The Equilibrium

At the edge of the cliff,
the angel spread his massive wings
ready to take flight to the heavens above.

Upon his flight
he still wore that smile---
a symmetrical curl of lips.

The lips that a mere mortal woman like me could not deny,
that there was at least once I was tempted to kiss.

But I loathed him.
Surely there's some unspeakable scum beneath what he seems to be?

A green eye monster she must be,
to tear apart such a beautiful being.

But contrary to the hissing rumours,
I tear apart too, a phantom that dwells in his realm of shadows.
To seek an angelic smile upon his face that's shrouded beneath his hood.

In the position of where I lay,
between a fleeing angel and a phantom enraged,
my puddle of tears reflected my face.

Sunken the eyes were,
cast in shadows like the phantom.
I could barely recall the angelic smile on my very own face.

I withdrew my angst,
and got up on my feet.

It was only today,
where I've got to see myself again
did I realised that---

I was broken inside,
only because I failed to mend it.

For hating all whom I loved and never loved me,
I too, had never loved myself.

Fate's Forgery

The girl carefully thread her way through the uneven paths.
But she could never be careful enough.
Fate still robbed away the things she loved.

Flowers entwined form the most beautiful picture.
Yet, in too tight of an embrace they would just strangle each other.

It doesn't take just a day to find nothing belongs to you.

The flowers wither as the weed creeps up to a new flower.
The forest remains ever changing.
But no matter how much it changes, the girl would remain a stranger amongst these trees.

Her heart should have stopped beating five years ago.
Now that she had failed,
she shall suffer the anguish of lonliness she had failed to escape from.

The bunny rag doll drops at her feet.
One would never doubt something that is truely hers.

She picks it up.
It's back to square one.

Perhaps it's time to make an escape again.

Closer

Lumbering with fatigue,
the girl finally reaches the other end of the woods.
As the flock of birds futtered pass her,
her tired eyes widened at the sight before her.

Flowers.
They spread across the field, swaying gently along the breeze, basking under the warmth of the sunshine.

The sunlight reached to her like open arms of an embrace.
It stroked her cheeks and ruffled her hair,
and before she knew it,
she felt tears flowing from her eyes.

Her heart of tears has melted.
and a new heart of flesh pumps blood in her veins.
She let out a laugh,
that was fuelled by joy.

She stretched out her arms with ecstasy,
her fingertips brushing the feathers of the passing birds.
She sprinted into the sea of flowers,
and had her fill of flower scent.

Her ivory flock was stained with the work of mischief,
with colours of berries and streaks of mud.
At dusk, she plopped down amongst the flowers with a contented smile.

The birds chirped goodbye,
while the flowers stayed close to her as night arrives.

She shut her eyes firmly,
without the fear of a dreamless sleep.
For the flower she seeks is closer than ever.

Bye, Bunny.

Numb with cold, she followed the tracks into the woods.
Draped in pristine white, she sat on rock and stared blankly overhead.

The forest ground, gleamed with green.
Everything is full of gist.

If she was her, her heart would had throb with anticipation.
But as her mind whirred, she had to shut her eyes.
All these things were too much to proccess all at once.

There's a mistaken caterpillar curling on her painted green nail.
She brought her hand to her chest and felt a constant rhythm under her skin.
A smile then stretched across her lips.

Her mind had told her it was the right thing to do at the moment.
She hadn't felt anything.
For her heart is no longer where she had placed her hand.

It had been stolen by a phantom, whom she used to peer into the shadows to spy on.
She had crafted a mask and slid it on his face.
So in her eyes, he always smiling.
So it seemed that he always looked at her with amorous eyes.

But that was in the past.
And what beat in place of the heart of flesh, was a heart made of crystals of solidified tears.

It doesn't generate hopes.
And neither can it feel strongly.
A seeping sense of loneliness is easily banished by her mind.

Now, she only does what her mind deemed right.
Which was why she dropped her bunny rag doll amongst some weeds.
Even if it was the only thing she had that defines who she is.
It was her weakness, said her mind.
The doll would hinder her with the past.

She walked briskly from the abandoned cloth bunny towards a flock of birds.
Of course, she can't fly.
When they soar, she will sit here, under the tree, and close her eyes.
And dream of a flower that she will never come by.

Her bunny doll would make her search for the flower.
But, No, says her mind.
Dreaming about it would be enough.
It's like, there's no need for the phantom and his cloak to keep her warm when there's sunlight.

Now, it is just the break of dawn.
A long winding journey forebodes ahead.
But she is already exhausted.

The Filler

The last few days before school starts.

Standing on the platform waiting for the oncoming train,
my memories are folded and tucked at the back of my mind like packed luggage.
Feeling the bliss that caress me like gentle breeze blowing through my hair.

Subtly, the train will reach this stop.
But there's still time to reminisce.

Imperata cylindrica is tall and thin, but it can't fly with the wind.
A mistake or a lie, it doesn't matter.
Now its overlooked.
There's much more of its kind.

But here's a salute to it.
Veined with iron it is, it's an attribute of the commander it self-proclaimed to be.
It was, afterall, a more favoured weed.

It's time for me to slip this piece of memory back into my bag.
Instead, I look forward to where the train will head.
Over the hills, through the meadows.
Passing the weeds.

But at least,
there will be flowers too.

At this very instance, another train sped onto the track that I just came from.
But there's no going back for me now.
For I only hold onto an one way ticket.

That's life.

A Mystery.

Do you see what's happening?
Everytime I moved on, I always go back to where I'm from.

Everything seemed like fairytale to me.
It can misplaced and forgotten.
But the book that was read to put me to sleep is still there.

And it has became a habit to read it before I can sleep.
It has become an essential, so I can see his face in my dreams.

It's evident.
I'm moving on, but ever so barely toeing the past.
He is like the prince charming in those stories.
He was real, but now he's not.
I can see him far away in my dreams, but never so near in reality.

I assure you, you are free.
But your name and your face is still etched deeply in me.
You can shout theft or burglary.
But I'm still using them for my fantasies.

The word 'You' now is undefined.
Like how perfect should the prince in those tales should be.

"I still hopes for you."
"I missed you so."
"I think about you all the time."

Who or what exactly are you?
Are you a dream, a fantasy or once a reality?
Are you really my dreams came true?
Or I made you to be what you be?

Then why is my pain so real?
If all the sweetness are a facade?
Well, it wouldn't be so bad even just a little of it is as factual as history.
So at least, all these while, I was upset for something real.

Am I really crazy, like what everyone said?
Harping on all these things that only happened in my brain?
Or you actually came to me before, it was just that you left really quick?

Now, all these memories in my mind.
How much of them are true?

I am so frightened.
If you never existed, then...

Present, with Past.

"I'm quite surprised, he could actually remember everything we said."
"He said, 'why not come beside me, so we can take a photo together?'"
"Well, we kissed on the beach."
"He liked me for three years."
"She was in the cinema, when she drank from the wrong cup. The guy said, 'hey, that mine." At the next moment he had his arms around her shoulder."
"Today is our 10 month anniversary."

The stories that I was told.

I want to write something similar in our story too.
But is there even a page two?
By bleak look of things, I doubt it's even possible.

That euphoric forest I saw, is now barren.
But from there, I had learnt that some things in the present doesn't exist without certain things in the past.
Which is why I didn't brave through the pain of severing ties.

So I planted a new seed of memory.
The barren land will flourish again.
Even it will never be the way it looked, but it will be beautiful again.

I left my heart beside the planted seed, exactly where you once touched it long ago.
Love is now stored at the back of my mind.
Like the hopes I had and still have for you.

Making sense.

Oh, oh, oh
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)


If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks.

Right now it's all about Dancing and Eating. Dancing and Eating.

Eh, so what happened to Dr. Love?

Well, she wouldn't be back for a long time.
While she's gone, others will take over.

Bless you, for having to suffer.
For having to go through the drugery of being Dr. Love.

Loved and Still Loving

We were walking down the road,
in a place that seems to be a collage of real-life Singapore.
I had arms twined around your arm.
And in a moment of bliss,
I dared to bury my face into your chest.
I smelt a faint cologne that I know you will never wear.

You smiled at this little act of atrocity.
And with the strength of the arm that I clung to,
you got me off my feet.
I hugged on tightly,
laughing and marvelling as my toes skimmed the floor.
You were laughing and smiling at me;
just like the way I always wanted you to.

At the end of the road,
reality then set in.
Your hands cupped mine in a hesitant attempt to prise them off your arm.
But that moment of bliss was all I ever wanted.
So with just tinge of sorrow that it's over so soon,
I let go.

There wasn't physical closeness anymore.
But we went further down the road as each other's closest friend.
-----------------------------------------------
Funny what kind of dreams afternoon naps bring.
Haha.
When reality is infused even to your dreams,
you know that your heart has pretty much accepted the facts.

12 days.

1 last day of drowning in sorrow.

4 days to join the vibe of solid reality.
Met new friends.
Revealing the mask that fantasy had painted on an old friend.
Drawing a full circle to what has always been an incomplete saga.

3 days to share around the last of my sorrow and pain.
The people that had been listening,
had the obligation to know.

On D-day,
I've got it all down.
and were closer than ever.

Today, at 4 in the morning,
I told the story in a whole new way.

I had loved.
And am getting ready to love again.

Malt Without Alcohol

That's life for me now.
Leaving a trail of fagrance on my tongue without subjecting me to a drunken mess.

Alcohol were flints of escapism that I gladly dispensed to myself.
I was sinking and rising.
Bobbing up and down like a coconut in unchartered waters.

I used to wake up with my veins laden heavy.
My mind was filled with obsession.
My heart wrenched with grief.
Body hit with a seizure that flipped my insides out.

The damp grainy sand that scratched my cheeks isn't exactly the best feeling.
But a solid shore meant that I finally get a break off my struggles.

The clothes that clinged onto my skin were as heavy as the responsiblities I now carry.
It feels sticky as I basked under the afternoon heat, but it was warmth at the very least.

Looking at the my plight, you may think I'm left with nothing.
I knew I almost died.
But the scars left on my body, they were stories to tell some other day.
You may think now my struggles are now fruitless, so high was my stake, but with the very last chip I have won back my freedom.

And I am moving on.
On everything about love, I am not giving up yet.
Flipping my lucky chip in my hand, I will be on another voyage.
But not yet.
I am feeling fatigue.
Tired out physically, that can be cured with sleep.

In the shade underneath a palm tree, my mind begin to form an intricate blueprint for my next escapade.

Next time, he will be there at the finish line that mark the end of my search.

Two will make a whole.
Many cling onto another for support until they finally found their other half.
While fate made me brave this alone.
Thus I am, and become one of the bravest people he will ever know.

I shall stop searching but bide my time.
Learn to shake my booty, until he come by.
There will be no more gamble, it will be his game.

I will be waiting for him.
Right here.

For a game as we drink non alcoholic malt.

Clash of Confusion

"Fate has a way of encircling a man."

I have had a most wonderful dream.
A dream so real, I could almost feel, taste and smell everything.

When I woke up from that dream, I was desperate to go back in again.
I pressed my head against the pillow as close as possible, trying get closer to that dreams once more.
I tried crying myself back to sleep.
I lived everyday in subconciousness.
I waited for bedtime everyday.

So imagine how I felt when I finally decide to wake up from that dream,a part of my dream materialised before me.

So solid.
I was trembling from head to toe.
It cannot be.

It is so unreal now.
Whatever happened was a dream.

Right?

I could almost hear Fate snigger in mockery.

It must be. Not---

Not after so much pains to delude myself; that it was just a dream.

Just a few hours ago, I thought I had made a mistake.
But with her appearance, Fate slammed the hard truth in my face and snubbed it in.

I have tried to avoid it, so why must Fate bring it back once more?

And as Fate watched on with glee, I took a chance upon this cross between the two worlds of reality and surreality once more.

I made a run for it.
And fell deeper into another of Fate's trap , yet again.
I made a struggle.
If my dream isn't unreal, then---

I can finally live happily once more.
Like how I've always wanted.

I could almost see the wooden door.
Yes, that door to all that wonders.

I almost felt the doorknob in my hands.
I could almost smell that sweet air beyond it.

So close.

The door vanished.
Faded in a wisp at my fingertips.

And Fate laughed maniacally.
It was once again another test.

So much resolutions said to put it to rest.
Fate dug it up to tempt me once more.

Good one, Fate. You have pulled on a great one on me this time.

Scars

As usual, I had music pumping in my ears.
But today, I was moving along the vibe of my surroundings.
I spied a good looking guy shaking his legs on the bench and conspicuously sat beside him.
A coy smile curled around my lips.
For even all he did was to move over to give me more seat, I had accomplished my mischievous deeds.

For once, the plastic chair felt solid beneath me.
My feet were tapping along the rhythm of the train speeding along its tracks.

Unburdened.
Moving with ease.
Barely thinking.
Breathing for my own.

The warmth from the sunlight trapped within my cardigan.
The wetness of the water drops that fell from the aircon onto my jeans.

The train sped on into the underground.
There was the momentary moment, where sunlight seemed to lose it reach.
Neon lights took over.
Suddenly, I heard him whisper.
"This train ride is freaking long, it's going to take a while."

The water drops on my jeans evaporated.
The rhythm of train begun to sound like yesterday.
The warmth in my cardigan felt like those in his oversized jacket.

I was barely feeling anything, I was just watching.
Flashbacks running in my empty mind like reeling films.

"Changi Airport."

I stood up.
I slipped back into myself.
The music fade back into my ears.
My feet started to feel the solid ground.

The cool tiles against my tattered shoes were once my most feared terrain.
Now my eyes no longer search for him in the crowds that passed me by.
My mind stayed focus on what was going on.
My heart pumped life in my veins and not with anxiety.
And I was truely happy with the people I have around me.

He has got new plans and I'm not on his list.
I have got new plans and he's not on my list.
He had changed, changed his mind.
And I have learnt his ways.
He still breathes in the air that I breathe, but I could never reach him again.
I will still meet him someday, but he can't move me agian.
He will still look the same, but somehow he's not the person I once knew.
And so will I.

Some wounds do leave scars.
And everytime the train goes through the tunnel beneath the earth, I will be haunted by that memory so beautiful and rare in my life.
But it doesn't matter.

Scars may be unpleasant,
but at least they no longer hurt.
------------------------------------

Finally something I hope everyone understands.

101 Ways to Love: #1

"He had sewn himself in my heart."

Got this image in my mind when I was ranting about wanting a bunny doll.
(Thoughly annoyed the person beside me, hehe.)
Said, "You can't get this anywhere, you got to stitch it up yourself."
Would you?

Rest In Peace

この時代　思いどおりの
希望なんて持てない

"This era, just as I thought, does not yield anything something like hope."
---

9 lives.
3 down.
Leaving it all behind.

At the end of my life, I went back to visit my Wonderland again.
The amusement park lay in ruins now.
All the rides stayed stationary under many layers of dust.

I sat on the merry-go-round and hugged my favourite wooden horse for a while.
In chill of wind, I could only hear the rustling of the leaves.
It used to feel so warm, when my playmates joined in the fun.
The horses would go up and down, with joyous music playing in our ears.

I remembered coming here for Christmas.
The feeling was bizzare but beautiful.

Hope was bubbling subtilely within.

I tasted candyfloss.
But ended crying when it fell onto the floor.
But I had my playmate to comfort me.

What a piece of memory.
But all the same precious to me.

In this deserted ruin, my playmates aren't here anymore.
For the last moment, I saw their reflection in the shattered mirror of the deserted horror house.
A mere image, but I smiled at them.
And one of them returned the smile.
Only a ghost of the cheeky grin that we had on our faces.

But that was enough.

Tears flowed as the giant iron gates closed behind me.
My path was chosen for me.
Now I can never return.
I dared to turn around for one last fleeting look.
And gasped.

I saw myself behind those locked iron gates.
Sprawled on the ground, all battered.

I wanted to take a step back closer to take a look.
But there was a burst of light that halted me in my steps.
The amusement park was bursting with life once more.
My favourite horse was bobbing up and down again.

Suddenly there were laughter.
And my playmates came running towards my lifeless self and pulled me up to my feet.
I took a bite out of one of their candyfloss and before I knew it, I was up and running again.

I watched on as an awkward smile spread across my face.
I have yet to figure out what's going out.

But my doubts were soon cleared, when I pointed up and waved goodbye, as I scooted off with my playmates to the merry-go-round.

As their figures faded into the distance, I glanced up to see a new sign had replaced the old one that said Wonderland.

I chuckled softly as I begun to take my leave, filling with content.

For I may have died, but at least I know the ghost of me lives happily within the amusement park that is now my Memories.

"I had hopes in you.
And I always did."

Completing the Origami

"Fold.
Unfold.
Fold.
According to the lines.
A closure to create a beautiful origami."

---

It came to a point, at one part of the journey, where I was surrounded by a fog of swirling mist.
Groping my way blindly seeking for a way out, I asked my heart for an answer.

It told me a story of a young Shogun.

Chains of blood ties and love.
The Shogun, as high and mighty as he was, was ridden down by heavy chains of an oppressive mother and a bed-ridden wife.

His mother had hopes of her son to magnify the glory of their family name.
Because of this, she had disapproved of his sickly wife.
So sickly was she, she was almost burden to someone with important duties such as him.

But it was all due to be soon though.
And once its over, she would ensure the mistake is not committed once more.
And the mother made a firm tug at the metal chain.

Silk strings in the wind.
The Shogun also had many concubines.
Amongst all ravishing beauties, one had caught his eye.
In the dead of the night nearing to dawn, something brushed against his face.
A single thread of silk was flying in wind.
A shiny silver thread of silk.
It pulled him towards her.

But just then there was a clank of rusty metal.
There was a forceful tug and he broke from his stationary stance and staggered towards the other end of the chain.
It was a desperate call from his beloved wife.

There was no time to find out more about his new encounter now.

But perhaps there's some time later?

With that hope in mind, he held onto one end of the string.

Spinning thread balls shone with a glimpse of light.
As the string tugged along, the ball of thread spun, rebounding the golden sunlight from the first of dawn.
The concubine watched the spinning ball of thread with delight.
It looks so magical, like a golden globe spinning within her sewing basket.

Suddenly there was a snap.
The spinning sphere halted and stayed motionless.
The ball of thread lost its glow.

The concubine anxiously retrieved the broken end of the string.
She was so sure that she saw the Shogun tugging at the string.
But as the other end came slipping back towards her, her heart skipped a beat.
Like the momentarily glow, what seemed to be an imaginary silhouette of the Shogun disappeared in the midst of falling petals of the Sakura tree.

The concubine can only wonder what was on the other end.

Weaning chains of love are strong threads of attraction.
On the other end of the string, the sickly wife of the Shogun whispered her goodbyes.
She would rather be with the sun, and be a free spirit floating in the depths of the sea.

The Shogun cannot comprehend the pain he felt.
His beloved was slipping away, and the chain stretch further than ever.

The chain started to waste away into nothing more than a fine thread.

But the bite of the thread into his flesh hurt more than a million whips of the heaviest iron chains.
The pain shot through his wrist and ebbed into his pumping heart.
He released the string leading to his discovery and tugged at the thread that was almost severing his right hand off his arm.

As he struggled from grip of the thread; the chain on his left wrist began to shake violently.

The helpless man shut his eyes just as the silver string slipped out of his sight.

Now suspended between the tugs of both chain and thread, there was no more love he could offer to that concubine with the string.

Hyourin of Yume.
Beside the pillow of the now devastated concubine, lies a hand-sewn rabbit doll.
It carries the promise of sweet dreams which laid abundance on the moon.
The moon is so high it could reach where all the dreams go.
Only rabbits with their hindlegs can jump so high to reach the moon.

Will her dear rabbit bring her sweet dreams tonight?

Her stomach was rumbling as she buried her face in her tear-soaked jasmine pillow.
Nothing, but the sweetest cakes can quench her hunger.
Should the Shogun send her a half eaten cake from his supper spread...

A chill ran down her spine, wavering her belief.
Would be she be dreaming forever?
She suddenly felt cold, as though she was stripped naked and thrown out there into the darkness.
Should the Shogun send her his travelling cloak...

The concubine laid there on her bed.
Trying to figure out before sleep creep up quietly upon her.

With that, the story came to an end.

Standing alone in the chilling wind, I'm not exactly brave.
But I will stay stationary and wait.
For I know all would be calm when I feel the softness of the cotton bunny against my heart.

---
A story retold, in japanese style.
Hope you like it.

Valentine's Lesson

I feel it's pointless to say anymore.
I have pleaded and ranted.
It really, doesn't matter, if nothing ever happens.

I'm cured.
I tell things to people selectively now.
At this stage I'm putting myself together.
However hard the pain ebbed in my heart, I can't break down now.
I'm suspended in this hollow cell.
Hearing my heartbeat that goes,
Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab.

Now when it becomes part of you, hurt means nothing to you anymore.
How I'm I loving it, bringing pain upon myself.
Haha.
All that hope that I put in, it seems nothing more than dust in the wind now.

Such an escapade so addictive, I could hardly contain myself.
I've asked for something little.
So little, it was barely even a scratch on the surface of this whole profound feeling.
But it seems that Fate couldn't even spare a morsel.

Living life in such suffering like me is like eating liqueur chocolates.

Peeling off the wrapper gingerly, what one would anticipate is the sweetness of milk chocolate and the fiery burn of the whiskey within.

Then one would receive Warmth.
Warmth, from those embrace.
And of course, the sweetness.
It brings forth Joy.
Joy, that is so snugly blended with those warm embrace.

But it so happened, that in my case, the liqueur spilled.
What was to be a pleasure experience turned out to be a sticky mess.

I ate what sheer luck had given, only the chocolate.

I'd tasted sweetness.
But I've got no warmth.
The chocolate is empty without the warmth.
And what lingered on my tongue was now sickening sweetness.

The very same thing that brought forth Joy, brought forth Wrath within my soul.
It's funny how some people choose to hate the thing they could never get.

Even I wanted to, as well.

I could have scrawled a piece of IOU and shove in his face.
Demand payment for every disappointment I received.
That would be sprawling onto the ground to lick up the spilled spirit off the floor.

It's selfish.
To ask someone to pay up a debt he had never really owed.
Everyone, in consolation or in view from their analysis, condemned him.
But I feel that it's my fault.
Blame me instead.

Oh no, I'm not trying to be noble around here.
At the very least, at the very end of my crazy antics, let me do something sane.
I'm disgusted with myself.
This is a filthy crime.

I have made more out of a mere ordinary stranger that just passed my life.
And I've smeared his name.
Please don't ever let him know about this.

All his irritation to my pestering can never be compared to the humiliation he would face.
There were pleasant memories.
So please, let memories be what that make the most of me.

In daily life, I avoid making promises.
I knew I don't have a will to fulfil them.
I had only ever let myself down.
On this issue, it's too many times.

I never know whether I can resist the temptation to gamble for little sweet treats again.
I don't know whether as I lay on the bed at night, will I not let my mind drift into rendevous fantasies once more.

I won't and can't promise anymore.

As for now, unlike this unexisting solace I'm have been long seeking for, I have lots more liqueur chocolates lying my fridge.

With careful handling, I managed to keep these chocolates intact.
And from these chocolates, I felt just that bit of the little I've asked for.

The Warmth from the whiskey.
It was almost as if I'm in an embrace.

Hi, My Valentine.

It's the eve of valentine's day!!!
Still, another year alone. T-T
Who's the bastard who said being sixteen is sweet?
Gah.

Anywhos, I'm happy today.
Really happy today.
Not telling you why. xP
Maybe it's because I brought a new t-shirt xD
Really great for valentine's day tho.

But I've got a date tomorrow.
Who?
But my beloved Mr. Work?

I will see my supervisor tomorrow.
She is obviously NOT a hunk.
And and~
Since I'm working in a chocolate shop, it will prolly be flooded with loving couple too.
Yay!
Not x(

Can the sweetness chocolate kill the bitterness in a lonely sixteen year old heart?
Pardon the bimboness, haha.

At least my treatment ends tomorrow.
Salvation at last.
I hope.

You're Bad Luck!!!

Hahaha!
I fell.
Was hit by a bout of gastric ache.
Then leaden down with heaviness that flowed within my veins.
I still couldn't shake off my bad habit.
My knees hurt as I hobbled home.
But the pain isn't enough to keep me in reality.

Every part of me is struggling to get out of this.
I'm trying really hard.
Why can't you just materialize for a moment and get me out of this?

Like Wormie did for me.
And I promise you, like I promised Wormie, I will definitely get over it.
Then I will leave you alone.

I was too desperate to find this certain someone.
I'm sorry I have to stir everyone in.
I know everyone can't be like you, Wormie.
I guess I have yet to repent.

But you see, at least Wormie got me off his back.
I need you to do the same.

And Wormie.
I don't know why I can't tell you this straight in the face, but I'm really happy that you moved on.
Perhaps because I don't want to leaden you with my problems anymore.
Not when you're a person in a brand new life.

Of course, I will get my new life like Wormie soon.
Wormie got it early.
Just as Ashraf said it hasn't started for me, yet.

You know, perhaps this life that I'm living in now is no longer the one I used to have.
You started it for me.
And you have ended it too.
I guess you didn't make a clean cut, that's why I'm still stuck here.
That what made you special.
You're the key to the entrance and way to the exit.


The funny thing is I guess you would never know that I have invested so much hope in you.
If you ever found out, I guess you might be in quite a shock.
It took me quite a while to figured out why I did.
I guess it takes as long as that to digest this thing.

If I ever look back from the future, I might be dying of humiliation.
I'm sorry, Jinnie.
Guess it's a growing phase for someone as abnormal as you.
Haha.
But the important thing is that you will never let yourself into such a mess again.
Twice beaten, thrice shy.

I'm confused now.
I dunno what to expect.
What to expect four days later, that is.

Comfort Food

Second day of the withdrawal process.
I think it's going well.
Slow.
But steady.
I didn't mentioned that noun at all.
It's now about picking up the survival skills for a whole new terrain.

117 hours 30 mins to the end of treatment.
117 hours 30 mins to the slam of hard reality on my face.
117 hours 30 mins to a brand new me.
117 hours 30 mins to finally putting down another load behind.
117 hours 30 mins to the shattering of all those hope and dreams.

Shut Up.
Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up.
Shut Up is the key.
All it takes for the better.
Shut Up.
So I won't be hurt anymore.

I have lots of cookie.
For every bitterness in my guts, I will eat one.
Till I have completely moved on.
Like what the caterpillar did; without me.

Five more days left.

In The Midst of Celebration

Happy Chinese New Year!
Currently blogging from a relative's.
Not very nice to have people reading this entire thing aloud tho.
Won't say much.

Put on lots of weight x(
Everyone agreed.
I'm officially F.A.T

Read a dozen of horoscope books.
All said I should seriously pursue other interest
rather than desperately trying to realise this dream that is impossible.
There's still hope
but I should really give it up.
It's all for the better xD
Or else I wouldn't bring it up on such a joyous day right?

But just one question:
should you see those visualization in my head, how would you feel?
Guess I would never know.
I don't want to know either.

See you around.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again.
I need time to get it out of my head.
Give me exactly seven days.

A Novella.

"Hey love.
I can't see your face clearly anymore.
For a while I was so sure you looked like that.
Now you are nothing more than a silhouette in a distance.

"For a while you felt so solid.
You were the door to the life I've always wanted.
You let me in, showed me the wonders of the land beyond where I stood.

"The satisfaction had yet to sink in.
But at the very next moment,I was locked out.
And you weren't there anymore.

"Days later, I found you again.
But you were just a dead piece of log.
Where was the door to the many wonders?

"I clung onto what's left of you--
The hollow carcass.
I begged with all my might.
Every fibre of me was yearning for just one more day of that ultimate sweetness."

***

I had a goal.
But I have lost it.
What's left in the void of my head was this constant buzzing:
"Does he really exist?"
It was almost like a dream.

I went through the similar cycle before.
It's back.
But this time in a different form.
This time it was a butterfly.
Which flitted into my life then went away.

I had once placed my hopes on a caterpillar then, but it refused to change in its cocoon.
Retrieving my hopes back, piece by piece, I thought I could take flight with this butterfly.

It ripped off a part of me instead.
And join its female mate by the side.

At once, I knew my value of being a slimy toad on the lilly pad.
Croaking with sorrow, I ogled at the loving couple with my bulging eyes.
I could just slip my tongue out and pull it back to me.

But it would be ripped into shreds between my teeth.
Then it would finally belong to me.

No.
Not entirely.
Never would it be.
For its heart that stopped beating will still yearn for her.
Even when the then-widowed beauty is joined by another handsome suitor.

But it wouldn't live to feel the heartbreak.
Perhaps at the last fatal crunch of teeth, it could have felt a little grattitude towards me.
And give me some love.

But all that never happened--- now it's fluttering away.

Another butterfly spied the female from behind some petals.
I knew it saw.
And both of us know what forebodes ahead.
Hurt will shot through its heart like an arrow.

Maybe it will take refuge by my side.
It had the choice.

But perhaps it didn't considered that at all.
Maybe for a fleeting moment it did.
With tears blinding my eyes, I couldn't really see.

It might had just spun its head around to take one last look of me.

P.S. Wrote this in a total state of confusion.
Even I don't know what I was trying to say. Haha xP
Thus the title. (Fictional, see?)
Cause some parts are written in delusion.

Reflection.

Japanese girl's letter returned 15 years later ... by fish
TOKYO (AFP) - A letter that a young girl in Japan sent into the sky in a balloon some 15 years ago has been found on a fish hauled from 1,000 metres (3,300 feet) below the Pacific.

A fisherman found the still legible piece of paper sitting on a sticky flatfish in his catch on Thursday, along with a torn-off string and the fragment of a red balloon.

He opened the folded paper, discovering it was a handwritten letter from a six-year-old girl at an elementary school in Kawasaki, 150 kilometres (93 miles) away from where the fish was caught off Choshi port.

The sender, Natsumi Shirahige, and her friends released letters as part of events to mark the school's 120th anniversary, which was in 1993.

"Our school is 120 years old... If you pick up this letter, please write to me," the letter reads, listing the school's address.

The 52-year-old fisherman said the letter was a nice surprise.

"I've been in fishing for a long time but this is unbelievable," the smiling man told the Asahi television network.

Shirahige, now a 21-year-old university student, said: "I can't get over the wonder of how the letter survived 15 years. I never expected I'd get a reply this way."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read this a minute later after the previous blog post.
Things you do in the early life will get back to you later.
I guess I would regret it by then.

Untitled.

Go Away.
I know what's coming; I don't want to suffer anymore humiliation.

Roll your eyes and mock at my stupidity.
Oh, don't forget to type, 'I understand how you feel' at the tagboard.
"Yeah, she will be so touched."
"She will leap for the little sentences of concern you flung at her, watch her lap it up like a dog."
"She just upset, just let her blab."
"It's always about a person, a person that just came into her life."
"And when another turn up, she will get over it."
"Wait till this one ignores her again, she will go beserk once more."

I just want to say it out.
I don't need anyone to hear it.
Go on, with your wonderful life people.
Find people who are more interesting.
Listen to more amusing topics.
Not utter idiocity like this one.

Yeah, I place out all information about me like damaged goods strewn out for sale; hoping someone will accept all of them.
But look at the crowd's reaction.
Watch as they roar at this clown's antics.
Then rub humiliation into her face.
Nevermind, that she's tattered and torn.
She still stands by the road side waiting for love.

Go on, give her some hope.
She's demented.
But she will go all out for you.
Give you everything you wanted, anything she can offer.

There's something missing in my life.
They told me that a boyfriend will do the trick.
"Your hugs are the solace I need."
"Your kisses are the sweetest things I eat."

So the jigsaw missing in the puzzle of my life is him.
I braved the humiliation.
Nevermind how they stab at my heart.
I tell everything about me to everyone.
They say, "If you don't open your heart, how are they to know how you really feel?"
So I did.
Stab.
So I did.
Stab.
Since I feel the pain, perhaps these tears are the blood that gush out from my wounds.
Stab.

Stab at me.
For 2 years, I have been foolishly struggling to realise this resolution.
"No more."
"I'm tired."
I always say that.
But they never end.
So I will scream, "life sucks!"
"Let me die!" I pleaded.

"Just get her a guy, anyone."
"She never had boyfriend before, just one that say all those sweet nothings like how everybody else's did."
Bimbotic stuff that a bimbo needs.

Today, no, on many occasions, I knew that it takes more than a boyfriend to fill up this void.
But I decided to satisfy this enormous craving, with something I thought would be the easiest to get.
Every girl got one, so I will get one too right?
"It's just a matter of time."

Time showed me something else.
"Why do you have such a low self esteem?"
I am officially not desperate anymore.
Haha.
I was desperate.
I can tell you blantantly, see?
Condescend me.
It's okay.
For I got used of being laughed at.

Here's a bonus: Everytime when I pray for something, I will always agree to sacrifice something in order to obtain what I desired.
I gave up teenage romance for my studies.
I believe love will come as a thing on its own.
A thing that I truely deserved.

I guess I have to sort out more in my life.
Right now, all I need is a cave to hide myself in till the dawn of my new life arrive.
Worthy or not, it's up to you to join me in my new life or not.
I have no hopes for anyone now.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

A Hiatus.

But the race is not over.
For days I have been trying to blog something, but it just doesn't seemed right to disclose anything yet.
For the enemy is still lurking around.

I am still condescended.
Till this day, at this point.
I made an oath, and I'm so close to break free from all these pompous idiots.
Boot-lickers.

No more.
I have enough of this atrocity.
When I step foot into the new land of oppurtunities, everything will be reverted back to square one.
I will soar with passion.
Leaving these scums of my heart behind.
I will then be able to breathe.
But right now, I will just consume my wrath and clean up the aftermath of o levels.
With open arms, I will invite those who are worthy into my new life.
And I will go down to you, to open up your heart, in hopes we can establish a true friendship.
Even if we part, at least I know I have made an effort.


The life I have always wanted lies ahead.
It is there, it must be.