A Mystery.

Do you see what's happening?
Everytime I moved on, I always go back to where I'm from.

Everything seemed like fairytale to me.
It can misplaced and forgotten.
But the book that was read to put me to sleep is still there.

And it has became a habit to read it before I can sleep.
It has become an essential, so I can see his face in my dreams.

It's evident.
I'm moving on, but ever so barely toeing the past.
He is like the prince charming in those stories.
He was real, but now he's not.
I can see him far away in my dreams, but never so near in reality.

I assure you, you are free.
But your name and your face is still etched deeply in me.
You can shout theft or burglary.
But I'm still using them for my fantasies.

The word 'You' now is undefined.
Like how perfect should the prince in those tales should be.

"I still hopes for you."
"I missed you so."
"I think about you all the time."

Who or what exactly are you?
Are you a dream, a fantasy or once a reality?
Are you really my dreams came true?
Or I made you to be what you be?

Then why is my pain so real?
If all the sweetness are a facade?
Well, it wouldn't be so bad even just a little of it is as factual as history.
So at least, all these while, I was upset for something real.

Am I really crazy, like what everyone said?
Harping on all these things that only happened in my brain?
Or you actually came to me before, it was just that you left really quick?

Now, all these memories in my mind.
How much of them are true?

I am so frightened.
If you never existed, then...

Present, with Past.

"I'm quite surprised, he could actually remember everything we said."
"He said, 'why not come beside me, so we can take a photo together?'"
"Well, we kissed on the beach."
"He liked me for three years."
"She was in the cinema, when she drank from the wrong cup. The guy said, 'hey, that mine." At the next moment he had his arms around her shoulder."
"Today is our 10 month anniversary."

The stories that I was told.

I want to write something similar in our story too.
But is there even a page two?
By bleak look of things, I doubt it's even possible.

That euphoric forest I saw, is now barren.
But from there, I had learnt that some things in the present doesn't exist without certain things in the past.
Which is why I didn't brave through the pain of severing ties.

So I planted a new seed of memory.
The barren land will flourish again.
Even it will never be the way it looked, but it will be beautiful again.

I left my heart beside the planted seed, exactly where you once touched it long ago.
Love is now stored at the back of my mind.
Like the hopes I had and still have for you.

Making sense.

Oh, oh, oh
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)


If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

Song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks.

Right now it's all about Dancing and Eating. Dancing and Eating.

Eh, so what happened to Dr. Love?

Well, she wouldn't be back for a long time.
While she's gone, others will take over.

Bless you, for having to suffer.
For having to go through the drugery of being Dr. Love.

Loved and Still Loving

We were walking down the road,
in a place that seems to be a collage of real-life Singapore.
I had arms twined around your arm.
And in a moment of bliss,
I dared to bury my face into your chest.
I smelt a faint cologne that I know you will never wear.

You smiled at this little act of atrocity.
And with the strength of the arm that I clung to,
you got me off my feet.
I hugged on tightly,
laughing and marvelling as my toes skimmed the floor.
You were laughing and smiling at me;
just like the way I always wanted you to.

At the end of the road,
reality then set in.
Your hands cupped mine in a hesitant attempt to prise them off your arm.
But that moment of bliss was all I ever wanted.
So with just tinge of sorrow that it's over so soon,
I let go.

There wasn't physical closeness anymore.
But we went further down the road as each other's closest friend.
-----------------------------------------------
Funny what kind of dreams afternoon naps bring.
Haha.
When reality is infused even to your dreams,
you know that your heart has pretty much accepted the facts.

12 days.

1 last day of drowning in sorrow.

4 days to join the vibe of solid reality.
Met new friends.
Revealing the mask that fantasy had painted on an old friend.
Drawing a full circle to what has always been an incomplete saga.

3 days to share around the last of my sorrow and pain.
The people that had been listening,
had the obligation to know.

On D-day,
I've got it all down.
and were closer than ever.

Today, at 4 in the morning,
I told the story in a whole new way.

I had loved.
And am getting ready to love again.

Malt Without Alcohol

That's life for me now.
Leaving a trail of fagrance on my tongue without subjecting me to a drunken mess.

Alcohol were flints of escapism that I gladly dispensed to myself.
I was sinking and rising.
Bobbing up and down like a coconut in unchartered waters.

I used to wake up with my veins laden heavy.
My mind was filled with obsession.
My heart wrenched with grief.
Body hit with a seizure that flipped my insides out.

The damp grainy sand that scratched my cheeks isn't exactly the best feeling.
But a solid shore meant that I finally get a break off my struggles.

The clothes that clinged onto my skin were as heavy as the responsiblities I now carry.
It feels sticky as I basked under the afternoon heat, but it was warmth at the very least.

Looking at the my plight, you may think I'm left with nothing.
I knew I almost died.
But the scars left on my body, they were stories to tell some other day.
You may think now my struggles are now fruitless, so high was my stake, but with the very last chip I have won back my freedom.

And I am moving on.
On everything about love, I am not giving up yet.
Flipping my lucky chip in my hand, I will be on another voyage.
But not yet.
I am feeling fatigue.
Tired out physically, that can be cured with sleep.

In the shade underneath a palm tree, my mind begin to form an intricate blueprint for my next escapade.

Next time, he will be there at the finish line that mark the end of my search.

Two will make a whole.
Many cling onto another for support until they finally found their other half.
While fate made me brave this alone.
Thus I am, and become one of the bravest people he will ever know.

I shall stop searching but bide my time.
Learn to shake my booty, until he come by.
There will be no more gamble, it will be his game.

I will be waiting for him.
Right here.

For a game as we drink non alcoholic malt.

Clash of Confusion

"Fate has a way of encircling a man."

I have had a most wonderful dream.
A dream so real, I could almost feel, taste and smell everything.

When I woke up from that dream, I was desperate to go back in again.
I pressed my head against the pillow as close as possible, trying get closer to that dreams once more.
I tried crying myself back to sleep.
I lived everyday in subconciousness.
I waited for bedtime everyday.

So imagine how I felt when I finally decide to wake up from that dream,a part of my dream materialised before me.

So solid.
I was trembling from head to toe.
It cannot be.

It is so unreal now.
Whatever happened was a dream.

Right?

I could almost hear Fate snigger in mockery.

It must be. Not---

Not after so much pains to delude myself; that it was just a dream.

Just a few hours ago, I thought I had made a mistake.
But with her appearance, Fate slammed the hard truth in my face and snubbed it in.

I have tried to avoid it, so why must Fate bring it back once more?

And as Fate watched on with glee, I took a chance upon this cross between the two worlds of reality and surreality once more.

I made a run for it.
And fell deeper into another of Fate's trap , yet again.
I made a struggle.
If my dream isn't unreal, then---

I can finally live happily once more.
Like how I've always wanted.

I could almost see the wooden door.
Yes, that door to all that wonders.

I almost felt the doorknob in my hands.
I could almost smell that sweet air beyond it.

So close.

The door vanished.
Faded in a wisp at my fingertips.

And Fate laughed maniacally.
It was once again another test.

So much resolutions said to put it to rest.
Fate dug it up to tempt me once more.

Good one, Fate. You have pulled on a great one on me this time.

Scars

As usual, I had music pumping in my ears.
But today, I was moving along the vibe of my surroundings.
I spied a good looking guy shaking his legs on the bench and conspicuously sat beside him.
A coy smile curled around my lips.
For even all he did was to move over to give me more seat, I had accomplished my mischievous deeds.

For once, the plastic chair felt solid beneath me.
My feet were tapping along the rhythm of the train speeding along its tracks.

Unburdened.
Moving with ease.
Barely thinking.
Breathing for my own.

The warmth from the sunlight trapped within my cardigan.
The wetness of the water drops that fell from the aircon onto my jeans.

The train sped on into the underground.
There was the momentary moment, where sunlight seemed to lose it reach.
Neon lights took over.
Suddenly, I heard him whisper.
"This train ride is freaking long, it's going to take a while."

The water drops on my jeans evaporated.
The rhythm of train begun to sound like yesterday.
The warmth in my cardigan felt like those in his oversized jacket.

I was barely feeling anything, I was just watching.
Flashbacks running in my empty mind like reeling films.

"Changi Airport."

I stood up.
I slipped back into myself.
The music fade back into my ears.
My feet started to feel the solid ground.

The cool tiles against my tattered shoes were once my most feared terrain.
Now my eyes no longer search for him in the crowds that passed me by.
My mind stayed focus on what was going on.
My heart pumped life in my veins and not with anxiety.
And I was truely happy with the people I have around me.

He has got new plans and I'm not on his list.
I have got new plans and he's not on my list.
He had changed, changed his mind.
And I have learnt his ways.
He still breathes in the air that I breathe, but I could never reach him again.
I will still meet him someday, but he can't move me agian.
He will still look the same, but somehow he's not the person I once knew.
And so will I.

Some wounds do leave scars.
And everytime the train goes through the tunnel beneath the earth, I will be haunted by that memory so beautiful and rare in my life.
But it doesn't matter.

Scars may be unpleasant,
but at least they no longer hurt.
------------------------------------

Finally something I hope everyone understands.

101 Ways to Love: #1

"He had sewn himself in my heart."

Got this image in my mind when I was ranting about wanting a bunny doll.
(Thoughly annoyed the person beside me, hehe.)
Said, "You can't get this anywhere, you got to stitch it up yourself."
Would you?

Rest In Peace

この時代　思いどおりの
希望なんて持てない

"This era, just as I thought, does not yield anything something like hope."
---

9 lives.
3 down.
Leaving it all behind.

At the end of my life, I went back to visit my Wonderland again.
The amusement park lay in ruins now.
All the rides stayed stationary under many layers of dust.

I sat on the merry-go-round and hugged my favourite wooden horse for a while.
In chill of wind, I could only hear the rustling of the leaves.
It used to feel so warm, when my playmates joined in the fun.
The horses would go up and down, with joyous music playing in our ears.

I remembered coming here for Christmas.
The feeling was bizzare but beautiful.

Hope was bubbling subtilely within.

I tasted candyfloss.
But ended crying when it fell onto the floor.
But I had my playmate to comfort me.

What a piece of memory.
But all the same precious to me.

In this deserted ruin, my playmates aren't here anymore.
For the last moment, I saw their reflection in the shattered mirror of the deserted horror house.
A mere image, but I smiled at them.
And one of them returned the smile.
Only a ghost of the cheeky grin that we had on our faces.

But that was enough.

Tears flowed as the giant iron gates closed behind me.
My path was chosen for me.
Now I can never return.
I dared to turn around for one last fleeting look.
And gasped.

I saw myself behind those locked iron gates.
Sprawled on the ground, all battered.

I wanted to take a step back closer to take a look.
But there was a burst of light that halted me in my steps.
The amusement park was bursting with life once more.
My favourite horse was bobbing up and down again.

Suddenly there were laughter.
And my playmates came running towards my lifeless self and pulled me up to my feet.
I took a bite out of one of their candyfloss and before I knew it, I was up and running again.

I watched on as an awkward smile spread across my face.
I have yet to figure out what's going out.

But my doubts were soon cleared, when I pointed up and waved goodbye, as I scooted off with my playmates to the merry-go-round.

As their figures faded into the distance, I glanced up to see a new sign had replaced the old one that said Wonderland.

I chuckled softly as I begun to take my leave, filling with content.

For I may have died, but at least I know the ghost of me lives happily within the amusement park that is now my Memories.

"I had hopes in you.
And I always did."

Completing the Origami

"Fold.
Unfold.
Fold.
According to the lines.
A closure to create a beautiful origami."

---

It came to a point, at one part of the journey, where I was surrounded by a fog of swirling mist.
Groping my way blindly seeking for a way out, I asked my heart for an answer.

It told me a story of a young Shogun.

Chains of blood ties and love.
The Shogun, as high and mighty as he was, was ridden down by heavy chains of an oppressive mother and a bed-ridden wife.

His mother had hopes of her son to magnify the glory of their family name.
Because of this, she had disapproved of his sickly wife.
So sickly was she, she was almost burden to someone with important duties such as him.

But it was all due to be soon though.
And once its over, she would ensure the mistake is not committed once more.
And the mother made a firm tug at the metal chain.

Silk strings in the wind.
The Shogun also had many concubines.
Amongst all ravishing beauties, one had caught his eye.
In the dead of the night nearing to dawn, something brushed against his face.
A single thread of silk was flying in wind.
A shiny silver thread of silk.
It pulled him towards her.

But just then there was a clank of rusty metal.
There was a forceful tug and he broke from his stationary stance and staggered towards the other end of the chain.
It was a desperate call from his beloved wife.

There was no time to find out more about his new encounter now.

But perhaps there's some time later?

With that hope in mind, he held onto one end of the string.

Spinning thread balls shone with a glimpse of light.
As the string tugged along, the ball of thread spun, rebounding the golden sunlight from the first of dawn.
The concubine watched the spinning ball of thread with delight.
It looks so magical, like a golden globe spinning within her sewing basket.

Suddenly there was a snap.
The spinning sphere halted and stayed motionless.
The ball of thread lost its glow.

The concubine anxiously retrieved the broken end of the string.
She was so sure that she saw the Shogun tugging at the string.
But as the other end came slipping back towards her, her heart skipped a beat.
Like the momentarily glow, what seemed to be an imaginary silhouette of the Shogun disappeared in the midst of falling petals of the Sakura tree.

The concubine can only wonder what was on the other end.

Weaning chains of love are strong threads of attraction.
On the other end of the string, the sickly wife of the Shogun whispered her goodbyes.
She would rather be with the sun, and be a free spirit floating in the depths of the sea.

The Shogun cannot comprehend the pain he felt.
His beloved was slipping away, and the chain stretch further than ever.

The chain started to waste away into nothing more than a fine thread.

But the bite of the thread into his flesh hurt more than a million whips of the heaviest iron chains.
The pain shot through his wrist and ebbed into his pumping heart.
He released the string leading to his discovery and tugged at the thread that was almost severing his right hand off his arm.

As he struggled from grip of the thread; the chain on his left wrist began to shake violently.

The helpless man shut his eyes just as the silver string slipped out of his sight.

Now suspended between the tugs of both chain and thread, there was no more love he could offer to that concubine with the string.

Hyourin of Yume.
Beside the pillow of the now devastated concubine, lies a hand-sewn rabbit doll.
It carries the promise of sweet dreams which laid abundance on the moon.
The moon is so high it could reach where all the dreams go.
Only rabbits with their hindlegs can jump so high to reach the moon.

Will her dear rabbit bring her sweet dreams tonight?

Her stomach was rumbling as she buried her face in her tear-soaked jasmine pillow.
Nothing, but the sweetest cakes can quench her hunger.
Should the Shogun send her a half eaten cake from his supper spread...

A chill ran down her spine, wavering her belief.
Would be she be dreaming forever?
She suddenly felt cold, as though she was stripped naked and thrown out there into the darkness.
Should the Shogun send her his travelling cloak...

The concubine laid there on her bed.
Trying to figure out before sleep creep up quietly upon her.

With that, the story came to an end.

Standing alone in the chilling wind, I'm not exactly brave.
But I will stay stationary and wait.
For I know all would be calm when I feel the softness of the cotton bunny against my heart.

---
A story retold, in japanese style.
Hope you like it.

Valentine's Lesson

I feel it's pointless to say anymore.
I have pleaded and ranted.
It really, doesn't matter, if nothing ever happens.

I'm cured.
I tell things to people selectively now.
At this stage I'm putting myself together.
However hard the pain ebbed in my heart, I can't break down now.
I'm suspended in this hollow cell.
Hearing my heartbeat that goes,
Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab.

Now when it becomes part of you, hurt means nothing to you anymore.
How I'm I loving it, bringing pain upon myself.
Haha.
All that hope that I put in, it seems nothing more than dust in the wind now.

Such an escapade so addictive, I could hardly contain myself.
I've asked for something little.
So little, it was barely even a scratch on the surface of this whole profound feeling.
But it seems that Fate couldn't even spare a morsel.

Living life in such suffering like me is like eating liqueur chocolates.

Peeling off the wrapper gingerly, what one would anticipate is the sweetness of milk chocolate and the fiery burn of the whiskey within.

Then one would receive Warmth.
Warmth, from those embrace.
And of course, the sweetness.
It brings forth Joy.
Joy, that is so snugly blended with those warm embrace.

But it so happened, that in my case, the liqueur spilled.
What was to be a pleasure experience turned out to be a sticky mess.

I ate what sheer luck had given, only the chocolate.

I'd tasted sweetness.
But I've got no warmth.
The chocolate is empty without the warmth.
And what lingered on my tongue was now sickening sweetness.

The very same thing that brought forth Joy, brought forth Wrath within my soul.
It's funny how some people choose to hate the thing they could never get.

Even I wanted to, as well.

I could have scrawled a piece of IOU and shove in his face.
Demand payment for every disappointment I received.
That would be sprawling onto the ground to lick up the spilled spirit off the floor.

It's selfish.
To ask someone to pay up a debt he had never really owed.
Everyone, in consolation or in view from their analysis, condemned him.
But I feel that it's my fault.
Blame me instead.

Oh no, I'm not trying to be noble around here.
At the very least, at the very end of my crazy antics, let me do something sane.
I'm disgusted with myself.
This is a filthy crime.

I have made more out of a mere ordinary stranger that just passed my life.
And I've smeared his name.
Please don't ever let him know about this.

All his irritation to my pestering can never be compared to the humiliation he would face.
There were pleasant memories.
So please, let memories be what that make the most of me.

In daily life, I avoid making promises.
I knew I don't have a will to fulfil them.
I had only ever let myself down.
On this issue, it's too many times.

I never know whether I can resist the temptation to gamble for little sweet treats again.
I don't know whether as I lay on the bed at night, will I not let my mind drift into rendevous fantasies once more.

I won't and can't promise anymore.

As for now, unlike this unexisting solace I'm have been long seeking for, I have lots more liqueur chocolates lying my fridge.

With careful handling, I managed to keep these chocolates intact.
And from these chocolates, I felt just that bit of the little I've asked for.

The Warmth from the whiskey.
It was almost as if I'm in an embrace.

Hi, My Valentine.

It's the eve of valentine's day!!!
Still, another year alone. T-T
Who's the bastard who said being sixteen is sweet?
Gah.

Anywhos, I'm happy today.
Really happy today.
Not telling you why. xP
Maybe it's because I brought a new t-shirt xD
Really great for valentine's day tho.

But I've got a date tomorrow.
Who?
But my beloved Mr. Work?

I will see my supervisor tomorrow.
She is obviously NOT a hunk.
And and~
Since I'm working in a chocolate shop, it will prolly be flooded with loving couple too.
Yay!
Not x(

Can the sweetness chocolate kill the bitterness in a lonely sixteen year old heart?
Pardon the bimboness, haha.

At least my treatment ends tomorrow.
Salvation at last.
I hope.

You're Bad Luck!!!

Hahaha!
I fell.
Was hit by a bout of gastric ache.
Then leaden down with heaviness that flowed within my veins.
I still couldn't shake off my bad habit.
My knees hurt as I hobbled home.
But the pain isn't enough to keep me in reality.

Every part of me is struggling to get out of this.
I'm trying really hard.
Why can't you just materialize for a moment and get me out of this?

Like Wormie did for me.
And I promise you, like I promised Wormie, I will definitely get over it.
Then I will leave you alone.

I was too desperate to find this certain someone.
I'm sorry I have to stir everyone in.
I know everyone can't be like you, Wormie.
I guess I have yet to repent.

But you see, at least Wormie got me off his back.
I need you to do the same.

And Wormie.
I don't know why I can't tell you this straight in the face, but I'm really happy that you moved on.
Perhaps because I don't want to leaden you with my problems anymore.
Not when you're a person in a brand new life.

Of course, I will get my new life like Wormie soon.
Wormie got it early.
Just as Ashraf said it hasn't started for me, yet.

You know, perhaps this life that I'm living in now is no longer the one I used to have.
You started it for me.
And you have ended it too.
I guess you didn't make a clean cut, that's why I'm still stuck here.
That what made you special.
You're the key to the entrance and way to the exit.


The funny thing is I guess you would never know that I have invested so much hope in you.
If you ever found out, I guess you might be in quite a shock.
It took me quite a while to figured out why I did.
I guess it takes as long as that to digest this thing.

If I ever look back from the future, I might be dying of humiliation.
I'm sorry, Jinnie.
Guess it's a growing phase for someone as abnormal as you.
Haha.
But the important thing is that you will never let yourself into such a mess again.
Twice beaten, thrice shy.

I'm confused now.
I dunno what to expect.
What to expect four days later, that is.

Comfort Food

Second day of the withdrawal process.
I think it's going well.
Slow.
But steady.
I didn't mentioned that noun at all.
It's now about picking up the survival skills for a whole new terrain.

117 hours 30 mins to the end of treatment.
117 hours 30 mins to the slam of hard reality on my face.
117 hours 30 mins to a brand new me.
117 hours 30 mins to finally putting down another load behind.
117 hours 30 mins to the shattering of all those hope and dreams.

Shut Up.
Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut Up.
Shut Up is the key.
All it takes for the better.
Shut Up.
So I won't be hurt anymore.

I have lots of cookie.
For every bitterness in my guts, I will eat one.
Till I have completely moved on.
Like what the caterpillar did; without me.

Five more days left.

In The Midst of Celebration

Happy Chinese New Year!
Currently blogging from a relative's.
Not very nice to have people reading this entire thing aloud tho.
Won't say much.

Put on lots of weight x(
Everyone agreed.
I'm officially F.A.T

Read a dozen of horoscope books.
All said I should seriously pursue other interest
rather than desperately trying to realise this dream that is impossible.
There's still hope
but I should really give it up.
It's all for the better xD
Or else I wouldn't bring it up on such a joyous day right?

But just one question:
should you see those visualization in my head, how would you feel?
Guess I would never know.
I don't want to know either.

See you around.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again.
I need time to get it out of my head.
Give me exactly seven days.

A Novella.

"Hey love.
I can't see your face clearly anymore.
For a while I was so sure you looked like that.
Now you are nothing more than a silhouette in a distance.

"For a while you felt so solid.
You were the door to the life I've always wanted.
You let me in, showed me the wonders of the land beyond where I stood.

"The satisfaction had yet to sink in.
But at the very next moment,I was locked out.
And you weren't there anymore.

"Days later, I found you again.
But you were just a dead piece of log.
Where was the door to the many wonders?

"I clung onto what's left of you--
The hollow carcass.
I begged with all my might.
Every fibre of me was yearning for just one more day of that ultimate sweetness."

***

I had a goal.
But I have lost it.
What's left in the void of my head was this constant buzzing:
"Does he really exist?"
It was almost like a dream.

I went through the similar cycle before.
It's back.
But this time in a different form.
This time it was a butterfly.
Which flitted into my life then went away.

I had once placed my hopes on a caterpillar then, but it refused to change in its cocoon.
Retrieving my hopes back, piece by piece, I thought I could take flight with this butterfly.

It ripped off a part of me instead.
And join its female mate by the side.

At once, I knew my value of being a slimy toad on the lilly pad.
Croaking with sorrow, I ogled at the loving couple with my bulging eyes.
I could just slip my tongue out and pull it back to me.

But it would be ripped into shreds between my teeth.
Then it would finally belong to me.

No.
Not entirely.
Never would it be.
For its heart that stopped beating will still yearn for her.
Even when the then-widowed beauty is joined by another handsome suitor.

But it wouldn't live to feel the heartbreak.
Perhaps at the last fatal crunch of teeth, it could have felt a little grattitude towards me.
And give me some love.

But all that never happened--- now it's fluttering away.

Another butterfly spied the female from behind some petals.
I knew it saw.
And both of us know what forebodes ahead.
Hurt will shot through its heart like an arrow.

Maybe it will take refuge by my side.
It had the choice.

But perhaps it didn't considered that at all.
Maybe for a fleeting moment it did.
With tears blinding my eyes, I couldn't really see.

It might had just spun its head around to take one last look of me.

P.S. Wrote this in a total state of confusion.
Even I don't know what I was trying to say. Haha xP
Thus the title. (Fictional, see?)
Cause some parts are written in delusion.

Reflection.

Japanese girl's letter returned 15 years later ... by fish
TOKYO (AFP) - A letter that a young girl in Japan sent into the sky in a balloon some 15 years ago has been found on a fish hauled from 1,000 metres (3,300 feet) below the Pacific.

A fisherman found the still legible piece of paper sitting on a sticky flatfish in his catch on Thursday, along with a torn-off string and the fragment of a red balloon.

He opened the folded paper, discovering it was a handwritten letter from a six-year-old girl at an elementary school in Kawasaki, 150 kilometres (93 miles) away from where the fish was caught off Choshi port.

The sender, Natsumi Shirahige, and her friends released letters as part of events to mark the school's 120th anniversary, which was in 1993.

"Our school is 120 years old... If you pick up this letter, please write to me," the letter reads, listing the school's address.

The 52-year-old fisherman said the letter was a nice surprise.

"I've been in fishing for a long time but this is unbelievable," the smiling man told the Asahi television network.

Shirahige, now a 21-year-old university student, said: "I can't get over the wonder of how the letter survived 15 years. I never expected I'd get a reply this way."
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Read this a minute later after the previous blog post.
Things you do in the early life will get back to you later.
I guess I would regret it by then.

Untitled.

Go Away.
I know what's coming; I don't want to suffer anymore humiliation.

Roll your eyes and mock at my stupidity.
Oh, don't forget to type, 'I understand how you feel' at the tagboard.
"Yeah, she will be so touched."
"She will leap for the little sentences of concern you flung at her, watch her lap it up like a dog."
"She just upset, just let her blab."
"It's always about a person, a person that just came into her life."
"And when another turn up, she will get over it."
"Wait till this one ignores her again, she will go beserk once more."

I just want to say it out.
I don't need anyone to hear it.
Go on, with your wonderful life people.
Find people who are more interesting.
Listen to more amusing topics.
Not utter idiocity like this one.

Yeah, I place out all information about me like damaged goods strewn out for sale; hoping someone will accept all of them.
But look at the crowd's reaction.
Watch as they roar at this clown's antics.
Then rub humiliation into her face.
Nevermind, that she's tattered and torn.
She still stands by the road side waiting for love.

Go on, give her some hope.
She's demented.
But she will go all out for you.
Give you everything you wanted, anything she can offer.

There's something missing in my life.
They told me that a boyfriend will do the trick.
"Your hugs are the solace I need."
"Your kisses are the sweetest things I eat."

So the jigsaw missing in the puzzle of my life is him.
I braved the humiliation.
Nevermind how they stab at my heart.
I tell everything about me to everyone.
They say, "If you don't open your heart, how are they to know how you really feel?"
So I did.
Stab.
So I did.
Stab.
Since I feel the pain, perhaps these tears are the blood that gush out from my wounds.
Stab.

Stab at me.
For 2 years, I have been foolishly struggling to realise this resolution.
"No more."
"I'm tired."
I always say that.
But they never end.
So I will scream, "life sucks!"
"Let me die!" I pleaded.

"Just get her a guy, anyone."
"She never had boyfriend before, just one that say all those sweet nothings like how everybody else's did."
Bimbotic stuff that a bimbo needs.

Today, no, on many occasions, I knew that it takes more than a boyfriend to fill up this void.
But I decided to satisfy this enormous craving, with something I thought would be the easiest to get.
Every girl got one, so I will get one too right?
"It's just a matter of time."

Time showed me something else.
"Why do you have such a low self esteem?"
I am officially not desperate anymore.
Haha.
I was desperate.
I can tell you blantantly, see?
Condescend me.
It's okay.
For I got used of being laughed at.

Here's a bonus: Everytime when I pray for something, I will always agree to sacrifice something in order to obtain what I desired.
I gave up teenage romance for my studies.
I believe love will come as a thing on its own.
A thing that I truely deserved.

I guess I have to sort out more in my life.
Right now, all I need is a cave to hide myself in till the dawn of my new life arrive.
Worthy or not, it's up to you to join me in my new life or not.
I have no hopes for anyone now.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

A Hiatus.

But the race is not over.
For days I have been trying to blog something, but it just doesn't seemed right to disclose anything yet.
For the enemy is still lurking around.

I am still condescended.
Till this day, at this point.
I made an oath, and I'm so close to break free from all these pompous idiots.
Boot-lickers.

No more.
I have enough of this atrocity.
When I step foot into the new land of oppurtunities, everything will be reverted back to square one.
I will soar with passion.
Leaving these scums of my heart behind.
I will then be able to breathe.
But right now, I will just consume my wrath and clean up the aftermath of o levels.
With open arms, I will invite those who are worthy into my new life.
And I will go down to you, to open up your heart, in hopes we can establish a true friendship.
Even if we part, at least I know I have made an effort.


The life I have always wanted lies ahead.
It is there, it must be.